Letters To The Editor
by JEDIJESSICUH
Summary: A series of short, humorous letters from pissed off characters to fanfic writers.
1. Sincerely, Voldemort

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or the many nose jokes associated with Voldemort.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

I had a nose in the first movie. So piss off.

Sincerely, Voldemort

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><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: Just a series of humorous, short notes from characters to the writers.


	2. Sincerely, Reviewer Reply Edition

**Author's Note**: Thanks to the people who reviewed and liked the last chapter. This one is dedicated to Kitty-chan and Nya-chan who literally just submitted their review.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

When you split your soul in seven pieces, you can decide what counts.

Sincerely, Voldemort


	3. Sincerely, Fenrir Greyback

**Author's Note**: Maybe it's because I've always had a special place in my heart for evil characters, but I like Fenrir. Here's an unusual take on him. ;)

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

Bite a Weasley or two and suddenly no one likes you anymore; it's not like I killed the Minister or anything. Lavender Brown bit the shit out of Ron and no one hates her!

Sincerely, The Very Misunderstood Fenrir Greyback


	4. Sincerely, Mean Girls Edition

**Author's Note**: Here's a dedication to the Draco and Harry relationship involving a Mean Girls quote. :) Should you want to see any letters involving a specific relationship, moment from the books or typical fanfiction plot and/or aspect, review with your suggestion and a chapter will be dedicated to your idea.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

I'm sorry that Draco's so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular.

Sincerely, Harry Potter


	5. Sincerely, Twilight Edition

**Author's Note**: This should be a 'letters from Voldemort' fic, because there are so many things this man has to say.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

If I'd have known that killing Cedric Diggory would lead to his immortality as Edward Cullen, I'd have let him live.

Sincerely, I Regret It More Than You'll Ever Know, Voldemort


	6. Sincerely, Harry Potter

**Author's Note**: I made a House joke, two points if you can figure out where. :)

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

I'm the Boy-Who-Lived. If you're confused about what the term 'boy' means, let me break it down for you: I have a penis. I've never been a girl, I've never had a vagina and I've never gotten a sex change. That might be hard to comprehend, but please keep it in mind when you give me two X-chromosomes.

Sincerely, Harry "My Sex Organs Dangle" Potter


	7. Sincerely, Male Pregnancy Edition

**Author's Note**: Written because I never quite understood the male pregnancy thing. I just don't know how...? o_o Whatever. Moving on.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

I never have and I never will be pregnant. Not by the Boy-Who-Lived, not by Blaise Zabini, not by anyone. Men. Don't. Have. Babies. The head of our penis will not turn into a gaping hole that expels a baby. If you continue with this male pregnancy phenomenon, I will be forced to send the Healers in white coats to your doorstep. Be warned: there is a place for you at St. Mungo's if you keep this up!

Sincerely, Draco Malfoy


	8. Sincerely, Hermione Granger

**Author's Note**: You people are all so nice. :) Thanks for the reviews.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

Let's forget that Malfoy once called me a mudblood. I'm just going to fall into his arms because he's all sweet and sensitive now. Oh, Draco Malfoy, you're my hero. Not.

Sincerely, Hermione "Are You Kidding Me?" Granger


	9. Sincerely, Cedric Diggory

**Author's Note**: Based on a review by 'youreconfusingme'. Thanks for the review and the idea. :)

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

There's the Dark Lord, who split his soul into seven pieces and still died, and then there's me. I died once and gained immortality forever. Suck it, Voldemort.

Sincerely, Cedric Diggory


	10. Sincerely, Draco Malfoy

**Author's Note**: Have you seen the final Harry Potter movie? Because this is based on what I feel was the most amusing scene **ever**.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

Who would have guessed that Voldemort was a hugger?

Sincerely, Draco Malfoy


	11. Sincerely, Chuck Norris

**Author's Note**: I'm glad people liked the last chapter, and the others they reviewed as well. Here's one not entirely based on the premise of this fic, but it relates to the last movie. Who else thought Neville looked like a bad ass when he slayed Nagini? Yeah, he may very well be my new favorite character.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

My boggart is Neville Longbottom.

Sincerely, Chuck Norris


	12. Sincerely, Hedwig

**Author's Note**: Twenty plus reviews in the span of twenty four hours? You're all fabulous people. :) Here's a flashback to the first part of Deathly Hallows. Also, should you finish and still be interested, check out my other fic called 'The Bad Assery Of Neville Longbottom'. You all know he's due for a few dozen Chuck Norris jokes. Love and chocolate frogs to everyone.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

Hermione has a handbag that can hold more than looks like it can with no additional weight added for her to carry? Why didn't we just put Harry in the bloody thing when we took him from the Dursley's? I could still be pimpin'!

Sincerely, Hedwig


	13. Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore

**Author's Note**: Everyone loves a good Mean Girls quote. :)

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

Tom Riddle knows everybody's business, he knows everything about every one. That's why his Chamber is so big; it's full of secrets.

Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore


	14. Sincerely, Hangover Edition

**Author's Note**: If you've seen the first Hangover, you will totally get this. Otherwise, it might just seem like drabble to you. It might still be funny, maybe, but it's hilarious if you've seen The Hangover.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when Mrs. Weasley helped me on the train and I met Ron, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Ron joined in later. And six months ago, when Ron and I met Hermione and even you, Neville, I thought, wait a second, could it be? And now I know for sure that I just added you guys to my wolfpack. Four of us wolves, running around Hogwarts together looking for death eaters and horcruxes. So tonight, I make a toast.

Sincerely, Harry Potter


	15. Sincerely, Pansy Parkinson

**Author's Note**: I love those reviewing these chapters, especially the couple of you who went one by one and reviewed them all. Since reviews go to my email and emails go to my phone, my phone got blown up with happiness. I wish I could favorite you all. Love, love, love.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

It's official: I hate Harry Potter. I want him to get expelled. Every year something completely fucked up happens here. First, it was a huge troll. Then it was a giant snake that froze people. After that it was two big vicious dogs, one of which was actually a werewolf. And have we forgotten about the dementors? None of this would've happened if he wasn't here. It's the worst. Every time his scar hurts, I lock myself in my room. I'm guaranteed this shit doesn't happen at Beauxbatons.

Sincerely, Pansy Parkinson


	16. Sincerely, Lee Jordan

**Author's Note**: My husband mentioned that Kingsley Shacklebolt and Lee Jordan were the only African Americans in the entire seven film until the epilogue, which spawned this chapter.

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

First seven years: two black guys. Nineteen years later: shit ton of black kids boarding the Hogwarts Express. I had one baby mama, two, tops; so what kind of racist bullshit is Warner Brothers trying to pull?

Sincerely, Lee Jordan


	17. Sincerely, Minevra McGonagall

**Author's Note**: Another Mean Girls special. I know I haven't uploaded in a long time, but I had a baby. He's three months old today and is spending it napping. So why not add a chapter? :)

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><p>Dear Fanfiction Writers,<p>

Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, ok, promise? Ok, now everybody say this contraceptive spell with me, "Protectus my dicktus."

Sincerely, Minerva McGonagall


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